nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
