Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
