i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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