one two three fourrrrnication!
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Randomize
