I puked a lego.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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