You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Still dying that you shit outside
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
