Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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