You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
