Can i not drive my cunt home
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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