he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
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I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
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I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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