my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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