got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
