hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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