shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
