just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
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You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
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When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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