when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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