you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
