Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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