I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
