dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Randomize
