I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
