I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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