She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
