i'm lost and i look like a hooker
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
