Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
