I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
