the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
