My room smells like vodka and shame
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
