I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
