The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
