I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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