I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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