I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
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