Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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