you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
