Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
His nipple licking is glorious
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