Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
