Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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