If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
you had me at cake vodka
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
