Got a toothbrush?
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
