WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
