Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
