Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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