i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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