My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
