Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
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There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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