R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
