I murdered the dance floor call the cops
can u get pink eye on your cock?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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