Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
he fucked my hip out of place.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
