no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
