I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
