I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
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I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
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Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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