Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
