party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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