I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
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So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
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Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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