I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
