i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
it's like iHOP with fire
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
