Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
