I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
